AdmiralJack's blog

silly mormons

I was hanging out in my place, drinking beer; I'd had plenty.  Typical AdmiralJack dress code for chillin at home is either camoflauge cutoffs or a kilt and a t-shirt.

There's a knock on the door.

Knowing that my mom was in town that week, I yell, "just a minute!" and scurry to hide the empty beer bottles and just generally clean up a bit (don't like my mom knowing how typically bachelor i live).

Another knock on the door.

"JUST A MINUTE." I say.  Not mean or anything, but sharp.  Several seconds later, I open the door to three nicely dressed young men wearing ties and holding bicycle helmets.  The two in the background look at me with suprise, bordering on terror, and actually take a step back.

The leader of the group looks at me with uncertainty and stammers, "Is Jessica here?"

The two in the background look uneasy.

"Nope, sorry.  You probably have the wrong 101, there's six buildings in the complex."

To which the leader replies, "Are you sure Jessica isn't here?"

The two in the background are shifting, restlessly, slowly taking steps away from the door.

Befuddled, "Ummm, yep!  No Jessica here, just me.  Y'probably want the building next door."

The leader says to me, he says, "Well, would you be interested then in hearing a message about our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ?"

The two in the background keep tossing exaggerated gestures at the leader of the group, who is unable to see because his back is to them and they're almost all the way across the hall by this point.

"You know.... I wouldn't- but thank you, and best of luck with your mission."

I then extend my hand to Mr. Mormom Leaderman and we shake.... he's obviously uneasy about this whole conversation and seems glad it's over.  His friends have already left him.

I close the door, confused as to how awkward those nice little mormons were- the exchange was pleasant enough.  They were acting so weird, though.

Because I NEVER sit still, I begin to pace around my apartment.  When I turn the corner from my kitchen into my entryway, I have my back to the front door and begin to laugh.  Looking at the far wall, I see this, which is plainly visible to anyone standing at my front step:

 

if you truly loved me....

The newest occupant of my wish list's #1 position: The Sony Ericsson k850i Cyber-Shot cellular telephone.

Since my truck, Ruma Zuma, is so terribly unreliable and I am prone to spontaneous excursions to- wherethefuckever- I feel a great need to always have my phone with me.  That, and I'm addicted to SMS.  I've also built up a healthy paranoia, prompting me to arm myself with redundant means of self defense.  On top of all this, I'm a pretty big fan of taking candid pictures and of documenting my various misadventures on film.

The problem here is that- after both sets of keys I carry, my wallet-bundle thing, my chapstick, brass knuckles, spare change, pocket knife, cable ties and cell phone- a digital camera is just one too many things for me to carry around comfortably.... I'm pushing it as it is with the phone.

A 5 megapixel digital camera phone named Bazooka Charlie answers this problem.  A 5 megapixel digital camera phone named Bazooka Charlie answers this problem with gusto.

But, $598 is a smidge steep. I do work at a grocery store, remember.

So....

If any creepy, in-the-shadows type, well-to-do stalkers out there happen to have an intense and unhealthy, secret, scary-style love for me, but don't really know how to properly display your frightening infatuation, but are leaning towards abducting all of my neighbor's cats, flaying them and then stapling their skinned carcasses to my front door and then breaking in so you can leave a bloody pig's heart wrapped in barbed wire on my pillow before stealing all my underpants and smashing every reflective surface in my apartment; please consider buying me one of these phones, instead.  Two or three, even!

Maybe in return I'll even consider saving my toenail clippings in a big jar for a year to give you as a gift next Christmas.  I'll leave it in your favorite bush.... the one by the fence, across the lawn from the security lights.

I'm kind of running late for work.  Just think about it.